This date, all "the" dates have power over me still...DAMN IT!!!!!!
I don't really know why year #2 has been more difficult in dealing with Ethan's death...but it has. January was difficult. Always a representation in my mind of the beginning of the end. February came and went so fast and was the month he was medi-vaced from Spokane to Seattle leading up to the day we lost him, March 13, 2009. And then there's March...Ugh...March!! How I loathe this time of year. I sense that April will be equally as difficult being his funeral was on the 5th. I guess it's not my place to wonder why it's been more difficult this year. I just know that it has. Maybe sharing and writing about it will be some sort of therapy for me. Which brings me to this post. It's worth a try I guess.
March 13th 2009....A day in which will
FOREVER be scorned in my memory. Oh how I wish I didn't have to live through this day 2 years ago. I'm so thankful though I was able to be there in Seattle....to say goodbye, to be with my family. I finally feel comfortable enough to share these pictures with you, only 2 years later. The images may be less than beautiful to you but there is something so touching and loving about them that make them glorious to me. You will find these images are filled with insurmountable sadness and grief but they are also filled with so much love and support. These pictures represent my last moments with him. The last time I held him, the last time I saw him, the last time I kissed him, HIS last everything. How fortunate I am to have made it in time.
What made this day exceptionally hard for those that don't know, was having to decide weather or not to take him off life support. I wish that decisions like that never had to be made and I pray that no one who I come across in my life time EVER has to make that decision. It's just TOO hard and it's SO wrong on SO many levels....to carry the burden of one's life on your shoulders. I don't really have words to describe the feeling and I wasn't the one making that decision. Incredibly tough....indescribable!!!!!!! And to know that family still carries that burden second guessing that decision to this day.....dear God. I can't even imagine.
Here is a trip through the worst day of my life thus far.
My dad took this picture and sent it to me before I actually arrived. What I walked into less than 24hrs later was similar to this but worse if you could even imagine. I swear it was like walking into an episode of Greys Anatomy. It was just too much. There were 27 machines keeping him alive... TWENTY SEVEN for such a tiny human....heartbreaking. The rest of the pictures were all taken after the decision to pull him off life support was made and we were able to hold him and say our final goodbyes.
pictures by soulumination
I thought at first how weird to be taking pictures of a person dieing. If I hadn't been so consumed with the emotions of what was really happening that day at that moment, I probably would have been uncomfortable with it. Truth is, I barely noticed the photographers were there with us. I realize now that this to although a bit disturbing was part of Ethan's journey. A part of the memories I have of my nephew. One thing my brother and sister-in-law did right was document EVERY breathe of his life EVERY day right up until the very last hour,
HIS VERY LAST BREATHE. For that I am grateful.
One last kiss goodbye
Ethan lived for 7months or 224 days to be exact. My family and a few close friends blew up 224 balloons the day of his memorial. One balloon to represent each day of his life. We used them to decorate the church and at the end of the service, every one who attended grabbed a balloon and we all went outside to release them into the sky. It was really neat.
This poem is for you sweet baby boy. For your wonderful parents who loved you more than you know and for your brother who asks about you and prays for you to come home every night......
Balloons
I wonder what color my balloons will be,
but as an Aunt it doesn't matter to me.
They can be many colors but for you black and red
to signify our love and the struggles you lead
I will let that red one go into the sky
and up it will fly ever so high.
Until it reaches heaven for that special boy
and his heart is filled with love and joy.
The other balloon I will keep for his brother
So they can feel comfort from one another.
Ethan didn't live very long and so
his mother and father had to let him go.
He will forever and always be in my heart,
even though we are worlds apart.
So anytime I see a balloon float by,
I'll think of that someone, my angel in the sky.
Until we meet again...
224
My promise to myself, to Ethan in front of all who will read this is to let this be the LAST time the date has power over me. From now on I will give it my all to make these dates positive and happy remembering the good times for there was so much in Ethan's short stay on earth to be thankful for. Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all....and boy oh boy was he LOVED <3
